The following is basically a description of the day I have had so far. It's not an attempt to get attention, nor some kind of cry for help. Just trying to give people an understanding of what this is like for me. In some ways, it's really just an attempt at connection. I often don't know if I am very good at connecting with people, or if they feel like they can connect with me. So I am hoping that this might help both sides of that in some way.
Winston Churchill referred to his depression as "The black dog". Which makes it sound a little more ominous than it is, but I get where he was coming from. For me, it's more like an elephant. And there are days when it feels like that elephant is sitting on my back, pressing me down into the ground. I feel unable to move, unable to function, and all I can see in front of me is the dirt and dust of the floor.
It all started last night when something caused me to stir about twenty minutes after falling asleep. Once that happens, my night is done for. It's like having a cat nap during the day. You just nod off when something jars you, and now you're awake for the rest of the day. Except in my case, it was a little past midnight. If you're like me, once your brain is active, there's no going back. And no matter how many times I try to lie there and sleep, it's just not gonna happen. And no distraction will help either; not looking at Instagram, not reading, not watching tv. I am now awake until my body and head decide to get on the same page again and shut down at the same time. And that moment may not come until just a short time before I am scheduled to be up.
What happens next is a slow slide downhill. I cancelled my clients for the rest of the day because I felt I would probably be too exhausted to make it. But that wasn't the only reason, I could feel that dog looking over my shoulder. My lack of sleep, coupled with the fact that I am my very own worst (and not always fair) critic, and suddenly every bad choice, every thing I haven't done in my life, every negative I can think of, starts breaking down the door to my room. Before too long, it's not a question of being too tired to face the day, but if I even want to.
So I didn't. As I write this, I am holed up in my little one bedroom apartment, heater and hoodie on, surrounded by my two best furry pals. And while that doesn't sound so bad when put that way, it's just not what I should be doing today.
I get it. Taking a "mental health day" isn't always a bad thing. But I guess I thought it was important to help people understand why I needed that day. I have a lot of decisions in my life that I am facing this year. Not to mention also trying to recognize where this battle is taking me. I worry about becoming too isolated in my life, hence the concern about connecting with people. I have made the decision to just stop calling people to hang out when I seem to be the only one ever picking up the phone. I wonder if that means we are really friends. Even at 48, I find myself still learning what it means to build relationships and maintain them.
It's also important to highlight that I am not looking for sympathy. Again, if someone reads this and gets it and maybe a connection is formed, or even some understanding, I would love that. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I have dealt with this since at least high school. At least, that's as far back as I can recognize having feelings like this. And let's be honest, just having someone feeling bad for you doesn't help either of you.
I question myself a lot. And as anyone who knows me can attest, I am not only my own worst critic, but maybe not even the most fair critic of my life. But I have always been driven to certain place in my life that I just don't feel I have found yet, and it's hard to tell someone that driven that not getting there is okay. Because for me, I don't know that it would be okay not to get there. And I'm kind of scared to find out what it would be like not to.
Writing this helps. Because it sometimes feels I have been keeping some kind of dirty little secret for years. And the truth is, if people do feel like there are walls around me, I want to break those walls down as much as I can. Doesn't mean you'll actually like what you find, but at least you got the chance to find out for sure.
Winston Churchill referred to his depression as "The black dog". Which makes it sound a little more ominous than it is, but I get where he was coming from. For me, it's more like an elephant. And there are days when it feels like that elephant is sitting on my back, pressing me down into the ground. I feel unable to move, unable to function, and all I can see in front of me is the dirt and dust of the floor.
It all started last night when something caused me to stir about twenty minutes after falling asleep. Once that happens, my night is done for. It's like having a cat nap during the day. You just nod off when something jars you, and now you're awake for the rest of the day. Except in my case, it was a little past midnight. If you're like me, once your brain is active, there's no going back. And no matter how many times I try to lie there and sleep, it's just not gonna happen. And no distraction will help either; not looking at Instagram, not reading, not watching tv. I am now awake until my body and head decide to get on the same page again and shut down at the same time. And that moment may not come until just a short time before I am scheduled to be up.
What happens next is a slow slide downhill. I cancelled my clients for the rest of the day because I felt I would probably be too exhausted to make it. But that wasn't the only reason, I could feel that dog looking over my shoulder. My lack of sleep, coupled with the fact that I am my very own worst (and not always fair) critic, and suddenly every bad choice, every thing I haven't done in my life, every negative I can think of, starts breaking down the door to my room. Before too long, it's not a question of being too tired to face the day, but if I even want to.
So I didn't. As I write this, I am holed up in my little one bedroom apartment, heater and hoodie on, surrounded by my two best furry pals. And while that doesn't sound so bad when put that way, it's just not what I should be doing today.
I get it. Taking a "mental health day" isn't always a bad thing. But I guess I thought it was important to help people understand why I needed that day. I have a lot of decisions in my life that I am facing this year. Not to mention also trying to recognize where this battle is taking me. I worry about becoming too isolated in my life, hence the concern about connecting with people. I have made the decision to just stop calling people to hang out when I seem to be the only one ever picking up the phone. I wonder if that means we are really friends. Even at 48, I find myself still learning what it means to build relationships and maintain them.
It's also important to highlight that I am not looking for sympathy. Again, if someone reads this and gets it and maybe a connection is formed, or even some understanding, I would love that. I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. I have dealt with this since at least high school. At least, that's as far back as I can recognize having feelings like this. And let's be honest, just having someone feeling bad for you doesn't help either of you.
I question myself a lot. And as anyone who knows me can attest, I am not only my own worst critic, but maybe not even the most fair critic of my life. But I have always been driven to certain place in my life that I just don't feel I have found yet, and it's hard to tell someone that driven that not getting there is okay. Because for me, I don't know that it would be okay not to get there. And I'm kind of scared to find out what it would be like not to.
Writing this helps. Because it sometimes feels I have been keeping some kind of dirty little secret for years. And the truth is, if people do feel like there are walls around me, I want to break those walls down as much as I can. Doesn't mean you'll actually like what you find, but at least you got the chance to find out for sure.
