I poured the contents of the plastic bag into a glass of water. The apple flavored electrolyte solution I put in my water bottle would provide enough flavor to somewhat distract me from the odd smelling substance I was sprinkling in. I had been given many ways to ingest it. Make a tea of it one person said. Cover it with peanut butter, or chocolate, or even hot sauce and just down it in one bite. But since I didn't know how to make a tea of it, and I really wanted to avoid tasting it at all costs, simply putting it in a glass of water and holding my nose seemed to be the quickest and simplest approach. And I have always been a fan of the simplest approach.
A little backstory:
I have had depression since I was 16. At least I think that's right. Or at least depression as I have come to know it. I am certain there were other issues, or bouts of anxiety before that. But it was at 16 that I had my first full on emotional breakdown, so I would call that the beginning of it all.
Of course, like a lot of people, I wouldn't really begin to understand what I was dealing with until much later. In my early 20's I started to understand about depression, ADHD, anxiety, Social anxiety disorder, and PTSD, and even the slight degree of OCD that I had. It was a bit shocking to hear I was dealing with any of these issues, let alone all of them. But once I did know, I became committed to learning what I could about my mental health and how to deal with it.
I started going to my first therapist at 22. My mom paid for it, in more ways than one. Because it didn't take many sessions for my therapist to come to the conclusion that my mom was the heart of a lot of my issues. But that's another story. I have been going to therapy on and off for 27 years now, and honestly don't know where I would be without it. But it can only do so much. Which is why, like everyone else, I eventually turned to medication to try and help me defeat this monster inside my head. But nothing I took ever really made me feel better. As a matter of fact, medication almost made things worse. At one point I was taking one medication for depression, another for ADHD, and yet another to sleep. But because even regular sleep meds can't seem to knock me out, I was having to take 1 mg of Klonopin every night. Which if you know what that is, you know how bad a time I was having trying to sleep.
But all of those meds only made me feel drowsy and sluggish. Which is not at all what I was hoping for. And they didn't really make me actually feel better in anyway. They actually made me so drowsy that I would eventually run a red light and total my car. Which would lead to me finally doing away with any and all meds at that point.
The best way to describe my depression is that there is almost a fog at the front of my brain that sticks with me all day. And when I am distressed or sad, it gets worse. I feel like I can hardly think straight or function normally. And all I can think about is how badly I want that feeling to go away. Which brings us back to the contents of that plastic bag.
The contents of the bag was approximately 3.5 grams of psilocybin. Or as it's more commonly known, "magic mushrooms". I never imagined I would find myself alone in my bedroom on a Saturday night using magic mushrooms, but desperate times call for unique measures.
I first heard about mushrooms being used to treat depression about two years ago. 60 Minutes did a story about researchers at Johns Hopkins University using psychedelic drugs to help alleviate mental health issues, and what the results of those tests seem to show. They would have a patient lie in a room on a couch with their eyes covered by a mask and headphones over their ears. The headphones would be playing some type of calming music, and there would be a therapist in the room with them while they went through their "trip". They would then dose the person a second time within a 5-6 period, and check in with them periodically after that to see what kind of results they would have.
After six months, most subjects came back with little to no signs of depression or anxiety. And those that still had some issues, reported only minor occurrences at best.
This was the first time I had heard of these studies, but it wouldn't be the last. There was also a story about athletes using psychedelics to deal with the onset of CTE, which is what happens when the brain becomes damaged by too many blows to the head. And then I would happen upon a book by a guy named Michael Pollan called "How to change your mind".
In the book, Pollan went through the entire scientific(and not so scientific) history of psychedelic drugs. From the earliest known uses, to the accidental discovery of LSD, to the infamous Timothy Leary studies at Harvard in the 60's. He covered the studies of mushrooms, LSD, marijuana, and Ecstasy. Even going so far as to subject himself as a guinea pig in the uses of each of these drugs, according to the guidelines set by the institutions studying them.
After going through all the information at my disposal, I felt the time had come to give it a try myself. Now here's the thing, I have never done any kind of recreation drug before. Never had the interest, never will. But if it really is possible that using one of these could actually "fix" my brain, I just didn't feel like I could pass on the chance. I even brought the idea up to my current therapist, who surprised me by giving me her wholehearted blessing to give it a shot.
Once I found someone who could supply me with the mushrooms, I needed to figure out how and when I would use them. I decided to mimic the Johns Hopkins studies as best I could. But instead of just pumping generic music to my headphones, I decided to make a playlist just for the occasion. I wanted the music to help generate emotional responses, so I curated a playlist of songs that had special meaning to me, a "soundtrack" of my life, if you will. In an effort to encourage the subjects to go as far inward on their journey as possible, the researchers covered their eyes as well, so I bought an eye mask to help me keep my mind focused on what was ahead.
Having never even considered doing something like this before, I was a little nervous going in. But considering how high the stakes felt by this point, there was no way I wasn't going to try. The worst case scenario for me had nothing to do with a "bad trip", or even something harmful happening. No, for me the worst case would be that it wouldn't help me at all, and I would come out of it with the same struggles as before.
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