The Beginning

For almost twenty years, I have been writing blogs on various platforms, in a hope to find my voice. I have always hoped the stories about my life and how I have managed to survive and keep moving forward could someday be useful, and maybe even a guide for someone who needs to know that life does get better, and you can survive damn near anything if you try. 

The problem was, I didn't really know how to get those stories across. I felt that maybe it was because I didn't have enough experience as a writer. Maybe I just didn't have the "vision" to get these stories across. Maybe I am just not artistic enough. Whatever it was, I just felt unfulfilled in each attempt, and eventually got so frustrated that I just stopped trying altogether. 

It was only while recently telling one of the many insane stories about my relationship with my ex-wife that I started to realize that simply telling the stories as they happened and letting people see that I am still here maybe all I need to do. I was training a client when we started talking about relationships. And somehow, I got on a tangent and just started talking about one moment where my ex really hurt me. Funny thing is, I never realized how I had never really taken the time to process those feelings over the last twenty years until I looked at my client and realized he was crying. He started telling me that he couldn't imagine how hurt and humiliated I must have felt in that moment. That's when I realized that I actually never thought about it. That I had bottled up those feelings so much, that I still hadn't processed them. He told me that he knew I was a strong person, but the fact I was still standing and hadn't hurt myself or anyone else afterwards was a testament to just how strong I was. 

So, what I am going to do with this blog from now on is just that. I am going to tell my stories. All the crazy, dark, painful, sometimes insane, and occasionally funny stories about my life, and let people take what they will. With the reminder that I'm still here. I'm not always sure how or why, but I am still here. And I'm still doing my damndest to move forward, no matter what the odds. 

I don't know how often, or even what stories I will post here, but when I remember something that I think will be interesting, I will write about it. I don't know that I've led the most interesting life, but I know I have defied a lot of odds. I have done a lot of things that people said I couldn't do. And I got back up from more than my share of defeats, embarrassing moments, and just pain. And I hope that someone will see one of these stories and realize they can do the same thing. 

I am also a dreamer. I believe in magic. Still. Crazy as it sounds. Even at 51, I am still pursuing the life I have always hoped for, and I have no intention to settle. Whether it's the home or financial future I have envisioned, or even finally finding someone to share it with. I'm still searching. And I don't plan on quitting now.