Me and my shadow

 I was two and a half years old when my sister was born. And right away, she was my best friend. One of the first photos we have together is when I was around 3 or 4 years old, and I had snuck into my parent's room one morning to say hi to her. Which I guess had become a common practice by now, because my parents seem to be anticipating my arrival. When I got to the pen where my sister was already wide awake and also seemingly anticipating my arrival, my parents decided to surprise me. I don't know if they yelled "boo" or something to that effect, but the sudden noise scared me a little bit. A fact that was immortalized by the photo my parents took of the moment, and the wet stain at the front of my pajamas. And yes, I still have the photo. 

From that point on, Christel and I, or "Sissy", were pretty much inseparable. Until that brief period as teenagers of course, when we went through periods of absolutely hating each other's guts. But otherwise, yeah, inseparable. 

One thing that contributed to that relationship was the fact that our brothers were a lot older than us. Will and Chuck were seven and five years older than me, and nine and seven years older than Christel. So, by the time they were out of the house, which is always accelerated when you have a crazy ass mother, both of use were still in elementary school. So, we grew up with each other more than we did our brothers. 

I was always an awkward kid. I never really fit in much anywhere and didn't have a lot of close friends. Christel usually did better in me in that department. She always seemed to end up with a best friend at any of the seven or eight schools we attended in Amarillo alone. But I could usually count on the fact that I could share with her any cockamamie ideas I had, or whatever new girl I was probably crushing on. And I could also share with her the heartbreak when the girl either didn't even know my name or already had a boyfriend that was not only older, but probably a foot taller as well. Things I couldn't share with my mother because she would make way too much of an issue over them. And not in the cute mom kind of way. But in the "lets stalk the girl you have a crush on" kind of way. So yeah, really leaned on Christel in those years. 

Of course, the moment she really went to bat was my senior year in high school when I thought I finally had found a girl that would go out with me. We had kind of become best friends as well at that point and I just figured it was a natural step from friends to boyfriend and girlfriend. That's when she hit me with the dreaded "dating ruins friendship" line. And then another dude who had a crush on her lied for some reason and said I threatened to beat him up for being friends with her, something I am way too mild-mannered for, and suddenly the girl was yelling at me over it in public. Yes, I cried. 

I came to school late the next day because my mom had to take me to an orthodontics appointment. And when I got there, people were running up to me and asking what happened between my sister and Rachel, my now former friend. I was clueless. I had just gotten to school and had no idea that my 5'3 sister approached the 5'10 cowgirl and basically told her where she was going to place her rather petite foot if Rachel didn't summon an apology, and quickly. Even going so far as to confront liar dude as well. 

 Now Rachel was not the girl you went around picking a fight with. Especially when you're looking up at her with your neck cranked back. But that didn't bother Christel. And witnesses to the confrontation told me that Christel was so angry and fierce in her defense of me, that Rachel had no idea what to do and simply walked away. Christel isn't really a fighter either. And when I finally caught up with her and asked what the heck she was thinking, she simply broke into tears and said she couldn't let anyone treat me that way. She was absolutely terrified of Rachel, and with good reason. She probably could have hurt her badly. But Christel didn't care, and she was willing to take whatever lumps to defend my honor. Of course, thirty or so years later, Rachel is a dear friend. 

After my graduation, our relationship took an unfortunate turn for a while. My mom took my growing up and wanting to have a life of my own, and finally having that much sought after girlfriend, as an insult and that put a lot of pressure on my relationship with Christel. It became a "whose side are you on" scenario, and Sis was one of the people caught in the middle. A place she wouldn't be able to find her way out of until after Dorothy finally passed in 2006. And after our dad died a year later, it put Christel in an unfamiliar place. She had to finally live for herself, but my parents hadn't really taught her how to do that. 

I can tell you that that experience put her into a lot of difficult places emotionally. Because she was so used to taking care of other people, she had no clue how to take care of herself. And she bounced around a lot with relatives and probably put herself in some awkward situations trying to find where she belonged. Even asking people she really didn't know if she could land with them. Because loneliness is a bitch. 

I think of all the people who underestimated her and the person she is today. I think of all the chains our mother shackled her with, and how hard she was worked to shed them. I think of someone who finally got the chance to be their own person at thirty-two years old, but no clue how to go about doing it at that age. Or when she had her daughter and had no family to lean on or support her. And how sorry I feel for people that don't want to see how hard she's busted her ass to be a better, stronger, kinder person. A person who had to learn to not only recognize boundaries but also had to learn to recognize that she had a right to them as well. Can you imagine how hard that is? 

One more thing, no one can make me laugh quite like my sister can. When we were in high school, we often compared ourselves to two Winnie the Pooh characters. Considering her high energy personality, and my somewhat self-absorbed and maudlin moods at the time, Tigger and Eeyore were obvious fits. And one day I found some figurines at a Disney store that fit us more perfectly than anything I'd ever seen. It was a simple scene of Eeyore sitting in front of Tigger, with Tig pulling back on Eeyore's cheeks so he could see what it felt like to smile. "So, this is what smiling feels like" the figurine reads. Perfect. 

Thanks, Sis. For being my rock, my comic relief, and my occasional bodyguard and defender. And for always being the one I could count on when I felt the most alone. 

I love you. 

Let someone know..

 When I was a kid, I could never imagine what it would be like to be the age I am today. 52? That's crazy! That's so far away for a kid at 10, or 15, or even 25. But here we are. 

I could never imagine the journey I would take to get here. Somedays I didn't even think I'd get here. And now that I am it does probably look a lot different than I imagined. And definitely from what I hoped. 

I imagined I'd be married and at least have a couple of kids. I really thought I'd make a good dad. I think I am pretty good with kids. And I really wanted the chance to reverse the universal scales of how I was raised. Put a kid out there the right way, so they could achieve their full potential. And maybe be the end of some of the dysfunction that's surrounded my family unit. 

Of course, I was going to marry the perfect girl next door to compliment my 100-mph brain. Someone who understood my thoughts and knew how to counter it the right way. I always figured she'd look like Elizabeth Shue from "Back to the Future II and III". And Karate Kid. And Cocktail. So, you could say I was a fan lol. Someone who understood the hurricane that is me when I am at full speed. I was married once, but it turned out nothing like that. 

So being 52 has not been like I hoped. To top it all off, I've come to figure out that my 100-mph brain may very likely be a result of being on the Autism Spectrum. Not exactly a shocking discovery, and actually a bit of a relief. But knowing earlier might have been useful. 

I am writing all this because like anyone getting older, I am pondering what's next and how am I going to get there. Will this still have the time to turn out like I hoped, or will I just be another old guy living alone in a small apartment with his pets, no family and connections into my golden years? 

These can be really scary thoughts. No one wants to get old and feel alone and unseen. And one thing I have definitely learned as I have gotten older is how much people misunderstand and often discount loneliness. And just how powerful and even insidious it can be. 

One of the leading causes of death for men of my generation right now, is suicide. I would say it's not just suicide, but loneliness as well. And loneliness can come from a lot of different places. And no, just because someone is surrounded by friends and family, does not mean they can't possibly be lonely. As a matter of fact, I know for sure that the worst kind of loneliness can occur when you are in relationships of all kinds. Because if that person really doesn't know who you are, or doesn't seem all that concerned with it, it's the worst loneliness of all.

None of this is meant to be depressing or sad, it is what it is. I guess I felt the need to write this because a guy I know, my age, just died. And it's likely he took his own life. And I can't help but think loneliness played a part in it. And that sucks. And it's also not some kind of plea or subtle way of asking for help myself. I have learned to deal with the loneliness every day. And I have hopes that I can still make the changes in my life to not feel this way so much. 

I guess it's just a plea to pay attention more to the people around you. Just a text or a call, a Facebook post on their wall, or a social media post celebrating someone. Just remember the people around you and try to make sure they know they aren't alone. I can say I have gotten much better at that and sending messages of all kinds to the people in my life, just to let them know I am glad they're in my life. It takes one minute, and I know how much it means to people. And honestly, it's way too easy to try and make sure someone knows they aren't alone. 

This is a tough world. And the coming months might make it even tougher. And we are going to need our friends, loved ones, and communities so much more than ever before. But kind words and thoughts are free. And their currency will never go down or disappear. 

I sometimes worry I lose the point of things when I sit down and write. Maybe that's why I haven't done it in a while. So, I guess what I am asking is that you take a look around and see who needs that smile. Or that hello. Or even that random "I love you". Because the only thing that can really get us through this life is each other. So go let someone know they matter today. 

Thanx, J.